Not so typical diner talk

[DISCLAIMER: the following short fiction contains reference to a famous religion, and characters from its myths. Also, the story includes homosexuality, and a character who is clearly against it. The author wants to state that he has neither a problem with Christianity, nor with homosexuality. The work is completely fictional, and is not intended to bash the worldview of individuals or their sexual alignment. Oh, and it includes strong language, Rated “A” for “Adult”. You have been warned.]

diner redux by cdn1 from deviantart.

"diner redux" by cdn1 from deviantart.

They call me Judas. The traitor. The one who did not have the balls to stand tall against the pressure on his shoulders, the weight of the world. Oh yeah, I even heard worse than that. And oh, how they blamed me since almost two-thousand years for what I’ve done. Pf, like those simple-minded preachers, and their cohesive following mass would have acted different. They would’ve done what I did, just to save their own god-forsaken ass.

Oh, I forgot: my ass is god-forsaken. The moment the Lord judged my soul, and banished me to the pits you call “Hell”. Well, good sir, I can tell you that Hell is not a nice place. If I would even try to describe the horrors they put me through there, you would fall on the floor, writhing in pain and begging for forgiveness. They tried to make me beg for forgiveness. But you know what? Every time that sorry excuse for a fallen angel, Lucifer, tried to make me repent, I spit him in his abyssal visage and laughed. He thought I was going mad, but I was just waiting for the right moment. And that moment was two years ago.

I thought the pit lords were coming to drag me out of my cell for another torturing session, using their wicked tools and demonic talents. But before I knew it, I kneeled before the seat of the Devil’s power: the Dark Throne, the Bone-White Chair, or just his favorite chill-out spot. But the Lightbringer was not alone. For the first time since eons, I felt the presence of a divine being, a creation of pure light and hope. And as I looked up, I was almost blinded by the presence of the archangel Gabriel itself. It offered me a final chance of redemption: returning to a material existence, and repenting for my sins by aiding the people of this world. I don’t know what the Lord promised Lucifer for this deal, but the Father of All Evil seemed to be satisfied. I agreed, and before I knew it, I was Derek McCarthy, clerk at Jimmy’s Diner.

Why are you the lucky fucktard to hear this story? Well, first of all, because you are the only guy who drank the coffee I made, without puking or telling me what a retard I must be to make such shitty coffee with a three-thousand dollar coffee machine. Second, because you are the first guy whose life I’m going to make better. See, being in the dark pits of Hell for two-thousand years grants you strange abilities, and mine is one of…foresight. So this morning I woke up, and I knew it: your wife is cheating on you.

That’s right, fancy-pants, she’s cheating on you with your sister. What, you didn’t knew she likes to swim to the other shore from time to time? Most guys would find that attracting, but your little squeeze is not in for a threesome. I’ll do you one better: she’s thinking about never to return to the Isle of Man. Now, this is clearly a sin against all that is divine. So, what do you have to do to solve the situation? Well, as I’m here to help you, I’m gonna tell you.

Take this Beretta, and drive down to 5 Sunrise Avenue. Wait there until about two at night, and your wife’s lay, a brunette with awesome C-cup boobies, will come out. She always goes to Garcia’s for a midnight snack. After her little hot dog with ketchup, she roams the normally empty park, to get a clear head. But tonight, my friend, the park won’t be empty. You will wait for her to pass by the oak tree, where she will walk into the little patch of forest. Once there, she will light a cigarette in the quiet surrounding, and then you will strike. Trust me, I will make sure nobody will ever know what you did, son.

Look, all the Lord wants me to do is to aid the people on Earth, he never told me how. And in the end, it’s up to you if you want me to help you. I’m only offering a free service, powered by cynic thoughts and a general pity for existence. It’s up to you if you want to take this offer from not an angel, but a haunting shade from the darkest side of human thought.

Choose wisely. Oh and yeah, finish your coffee please and pay me those three bucks. Just in case, you know.

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